maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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