my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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