You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
