I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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