i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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