i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
