i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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