I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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