me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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