if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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