Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!