tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
