was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize