Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
