Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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