Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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