a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
