Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
