dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
