I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
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Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.