Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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