Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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