hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
