I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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