I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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