So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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