Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
