i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
