I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
