Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
