somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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