one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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