She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
