So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
