I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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