i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
