at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
