remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
