"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can text with my tongue
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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