Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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