uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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