forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
