My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
