ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
