Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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