The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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