I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
