dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
