Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
