OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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