I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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