i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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