The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
