i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I could make wine with my vomit
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize