He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
